A new Parliament, and a new set of Cabinet Ministers to demonise. Only this time, for the first time since 1992, they’re all Tories, so they basically do it for you just by being them. Now we know you’re all desperately wondering ‘but which Disney villain should I compare my pet Tory Cabinet Minister to for the next five years?’, and we at The Stepford Student do not like to leave our public wanting. So here you go. Don’t say we aren’t good to you.
Expect IDS to continue in much the same manner as he did in the last Parliament – trying desperately to inflict great pain on the most vulnerable in society, like adorable kittens, whilst sucking up to his aristocratic masters. However, like his counterpart in The Aristocats, he’ll continue to be an absolute failure, and all his grand plans will ultimately come to nothing, whilst still inflicting severe emotional trauma to those really cute kittens.
In charge of going to other places and killing people, Fallon and his Tarzan-ian counterpart have much in common. Both have a bullish demeanour, and enjoy getting unnecessarily angry about people for no good reason.
The Tories’ great evil mastermind, May slightly haphazardly goes around casting nasty spells over just about everything from the Police Federation to the civil liberties of just about anyone and everyone.
Soothingly devious, don’t let Whittingdale’s purringly rich voice lull you into a false sense of security. He voted against the same-sex marriage bill, and against legislation which would force all large companies to declare the gap in pay between female and male employees. He’s back in this Parliament with one mission and one mission only: to bring about the destruction of the BBC License Fee. Watch and wait: but will it all, like Shere Khan, go down in flames?
The man who – live on television – told an asylum seeker to ‘go home’. Also the man who was publicly shamed when it was revealed that his cleaner was an illegal immigrant. With such a slim majority, the power of Chief Whip will likely be rampant in a way not seen for decades. Great power is ‘mine, boys, mine for the taking’, as Ratcliffe once wisely said.
The Great Reform continues. Not only does Morgan want to decimate the education system as we know it and trample all over the wishes and expertise of teachers, she’s also intent on forcing all children to have red hearts painted on their faces and to build a small army of lefty-teacher-smashing card-men to do her enforcement work for her.
Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State at the Department of Health – Jean-Claude Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame
When you’re at the helm of the national religion, you’ve got an awful lot of power on your hands. How do you use it? Do you make sure it is provided free and openly for all, so that it can help ‘the outcasts’ of society, those who at times ask ‘if you’re even there’? Or do you manipulate, plot, scheme, restructure, and connive so as to ensure that financial gain is ensured for you and your buddies in the private sector? Only time will tell…
Whilst the Tabloid Press are busy asking whether or not you’re the ‘fairest of them all’ – them being “Dave’s darlings” – you’re free to ensure that those who cause a nuisance are kept ’employed’. They can be escorted the “job centre” (read: forest) and “employed” by the job-hunters. Just make sure you bring back the evidence in that little box or they’ll be sanctions to pay…
What better way to realise your dreams of moving amongst the highest circles of society than being in charge of them? A former Press Officer for John Major, Lady Tremaine, sorry, Baroness Stowell knows all about sending the right message - whether that be ‘we’re all in this together’ or ‘have you met my beautiful daughters, your Highness?’.
Surrounding herself with all 101 of her darling little small businesses, nobody had ever guessed that Ms. Soubry had such sinister plans for them….
As if being demoted from the position of Justice Secretary weren’t enough, expect impromptu flashes of anger in coming years as Grayling locks horns with John Bercow, the Tories’ favourite Speaker.
Obliging, cheery, and eager to please, nobody really knows who or what this smiling fiend works for. Is she working for her Queen and Cameron, or is she just playing the long game for a smiley leadership bid of her own?
THIS MAN IS NOT A CUDDLY FRIENDLY TEDDY BEAR. THIS MAN IS NOT A CUDDLY FRIENDLY TEDDY BEAR. THIS MAN IS NOT A CUDDLY FRIENDLY TEDDY BEAR. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. DO NOT. LET HIM. BE. PRIME MINISTER.
Nobody quite knows how to suss her out: Is she the next in a long line of Tory Energy Secretaries with dubious credentials, or is she as nature-friendly as her pet crocodiles would attest?
Make no mistake: she’s on her way up to the top, and crowns and tridents will fall on her way there. For now, she’s biding her time – it’s crowded at the top.
This is mostly just because Stephen Crabb is the only Cabinet Minister with a beard. But there’s also something to be said about questionably legitimate rule over a wild empire from the gilded confines of a crumbling royal court. Something.
“By this still hearth, among these barren crags,[…] I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.”
Wanky Literature quote decoded: “I DON’T UNDERSTAND EDUCATION WHY DID YOU PUT ME HERE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHIPS WHY DID YOU PUT ME HERE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND JUSTICE WHY DID YOU PUT ME HERE. WHY AM I LOCKED IN A TOILET. WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?” It’s ok, Govey. Keep sucking your thumb and everything will be fine.
Intensely loyal to his master, this priggish pug takes good care of himself, if admittedly over a fairly long period of time. A master of the sinister facial expression, other Tory, sorry, Disney villains have much to learn from this Grand Master.
As a special treat, and as a way to really hammer home the message here, we (sort-of) wrote you a song. Here you go:
I never thought backbenchers essential
They’re crude and unspeakably plain
But maybe they’ve a glimmer of potential
If allied with my vision and brain.
I know that your powers of dissension
Are as sharp as a Miliband’s backstabbing,
But eurosceptic as you are, pay attention,
My words are a matter of pride.
It’s clear from your vacant expressions
The lights are not all on upstairs
But we’re talking Tories and referendums –
Even you can’t be caught unawares!
So prepare for the chance of a lifetime,
Be prepared for sensational news!
A striking new eras is tiptoeing nearer
And where do we feature?
Just listen to teacher.
I know it sounds sordid but you’ll be rewarded
When at last I am given my dues
And in justice deliciously squared
Yeah! Be prepared, we’ll be prepared! For what?
For the death of the Left
Why, is it sick?
No, fools! We’re going to kill it, and the state, too.
Great idea! Who needs a state?
No state, no state, la la la la la la la
Idiots! There will be a (small) state!
But you said –
I will be the (small) state!
Stick with me, and you’ll never be in opposition again!
Yay, all right! Long live the (small) state!
Long live the (small) state!
It’s great that we’ll soon be connected
With a PM who’ll be all-time adored
Of course, quid pro quo, you’re expected
To vote certain measure I’ve stored
The future is littered with prizes
And though I’m the main addressee
The point that I must emphasise is
You won’t get a sniff without me!
So prepare for the coup of the century
Be prepared for the murkiest scam!
Meticulous planning, tenacity spanning
Decades of denial is simply why I’ll
Be PM undiluted, respected, saluted
And seen for the wonder I am!
Yes my teeth and ambitions are bared –
Yes our teeth and ambitions are bared –
For a full list of Tory cabinet ministers, click here.