The campaign proper has kicked off. The seven-way leaders’ debate is here. Let’s get this son of a bitch started, with a drinking game to help you through:
- If you can’t name all the leaders.
- If you can’t name all the parties. WHAT IS THIS, AMATEUR HOUR?!!
- Every time Nick Clegg apologises for past, present, or future mistakes.
- Every time Nigel Farage doesn’t apologise for past, present, or future mistakes.
- If you notice that there seems to be some sort of pinkish orb hanging in the middle of the studi– oh wait, it’s just David Cameron and his moonish face.
- If Farage forces a laugh whenever he hears himself being accused of racism.
- If Farage imbibes an alcoholic beverage (bonus points if you’re drinking the same).
- Every time you wonder what Paxman is up to right now.
- Any time one of the leaders uses a ‘POWER HAND GESTURE’. (See Barack ‘the Rock’ Obama for his famed ‘is-it-phallic-no-it-isn’t-phallic-but-I-had-you-going-there-and-look-you-now-respect-and-fear-me’ fist.
- Any time that Clegg looks soulfully into the camera when appealing to the 3% of the country watching, but he still can’t quite manage to meet your eye: you suspect more lies are inbound.
- Any time that Miliband gazes too deeply into the camera and (swoon) your soul.
- You remember that the SNP, the Green Party, and Plaid Cymru (yup, those are the other parties present) are also involved in this debate.
- If Farage is wearing a John Bull-esque waistcoat to appeal to the masses.
Half your drink:
- If anybody refers to kitchens, multiple or otherwise.
- If Nick Clegg tears up the rulebook and debates really, really well (see 2010).
- If you still don’t trust him.
- Any time that Clegg claims that he is confident of victory in his constiuency (ha), but his eyes cry out that he really just wants to be loved in 36 days time.
- Any time that Miliband gets too macho: “Can I balance being Prime Minister and a professional Wallace impersonator? Fuck yes I can. Fucking shitting yes I can.”
- Any time that Miliband (in line with his new macho image) tries to strike his lectern for emphasis and then visibly winces.
- If Julie Etchingham tries to be all Paxman but can’t quite pull it off.
- If you didn’t know that Julie Etchingham is the moderator of the debate.
- If you wonder what Paxman and his beard are up to right now.
- If you miss all of the SNP and Plaid Cymru because you’re fantasising about Paxman and his beard.
Down your drink:
- Any time that a “randomly selected” man off the street tells Cameron that he has lost his job to a far more qualified person who happens to have migrated to Britain.
- If the camera immediately cuts to Farage smirking like a pro.
- If a student rhetorically nobbles Clegg for personally betraying him.
- If Clegg subsequently loses it and screams “You’re the traitor!!!” at the student.
- If Miliband, sensing an opportunity to cement his macho image, has fisticuffs with Clegg while Cameron moons on and Farage sups his beer. (It was always going to be beer).
- If you still can’t remember the names of all the leaders / parties.
Descend into the dark throes of alcholism for the next 35 days:
- If, at any time, you realise that we’re going to face the monotony of a fucking hung parliament.