I looked up from the dusty innards of some old tome - a treatise on 15th century natural philosophy, I think, but I wasn’t really concentrating. Voltaire was absorbed in whatever he was reading. I stared at him intently. He didn’t notice. I got up from my chair and trod delicately across the wooden floor of the library until I was right behind him.
‘Hey,’ I breathed, ‘want a blowjob?’
He turned to look at me, and this was his face.
1. Voltaire
“That’s a rather candid question… I like it”
2. John Stuart Mill
“I warn you, mine’s more than just an accident of birth”
3. Francis Crick
4. Abraham Lincoln
“It’s usually me who has to go down south”
5. Woodrow Wilson
6. René Descartes
“I think therefore… why not?”
7. St Francis of Assisi
8. Oliver Cromwell
“Warts and all?”
9. Sir Francis Drake
10. Jean Jacques Rousseau
“Only if you sign this social contract”
11. David Lloyd George
12. John Stuart Mill (Round 2)
“I don’t think Harriet would approve!”
13. William Whewell
14. Immanuel Kant
“Rationally, no way, empirically, why the fuck not?”
15. John Quincy Adams
16. John Stuart Mill (Round 3)
“This is pretty high on the hierarchy of pleasures”