10 Suggestions for the Tory Bill of Rights

Tim Squirrell
Tim Squirrell  /  8 Comments

The Tories are back in office. The Human Rights Act is going to be scrapped in the near future, to be replaced by - what?

A British Bill of Rights, of course. British Rights for British People. Written by Michael Gove. Michael ‘Supported hanging and definitely didn’t embezzle a car whilst at the Oxford Union, despite popular rumour’ Gove.

But what might a Conservative British Bill of Rights look like? We have as much investment as you, gentle reader, in securing the fundamental rights of ordinary, working people around the country. That’s why we have compiled a preliminary list of suggestions to send to Mr Gove, suggestions which we feel embody the fundamental rights and securities you can expect as a British Citizen of the British Isles, living British Values.

The Tory Bill of Rights:

Article 1: the Right to chronic emotional repression.

Article 1, subsection 1: closeted homoeroticism, emotionally distant parent/child relationships and the phrase ‘We’re here now, we’re going to have a Nice Time’ are covered by this right.


Article 2: the Right to click at waiters for attention.

Michael Gove

Article 3: the Right to a black lab named Bess and a pair of Hunter wellies.

Article 3, subsection 1: other forms of canine may be covered, subject to a Britishness test. Bulldogs (British, not French), greyhounds and golden retrievers are covered. Chihuahuas and dachshunds are not. Commonwealth breeds such as the Cypriot poodle are also covered.

Article 3, subsection 2: this article also covers the right to instrumentalise one’s canines for the purposes of killing foxes. It does not cover the instrumentalisation of canines to fight each other. That would be cruel.

Michael Gove

Article 4: the Right to use the words ‘Those People’ to refer to groups including, but not limited to: immigrants (Eastern European or otherwise), the Islamics, and proles.

Article 4, subsection 1: the right to never suffer scepticism for uttering the phrase ‘I’m not racist, but’ is protected under this article.


Article 5: the Right to give your children a much better education and start in life than anybody else’s children.

Article 5, subsection 1: this article covers the justification of your obscene accumulated wealth with the words ‘I’ve worked hard all my life’.


Article 6: the Right to a set of pearls and the ability to clutch them. If such items and capacities are unavailable, a window, net curtains and the ability to twitch them will suffice.


Article 7: the Right to complain both about house prices and the destruction of the green belt. This article also covers instances of arguing that the NHS is not fundamentally a mechanism for the redistribution of wealth, because the NHS is Good and redistribution is Bad.


Article 8: the Right to tell obstreperous women to ‘Calm down, dear’.


Article 9: the Right to win an election and the ability to govern the country for the next five years and then complain that people are being mean to you on social media.

Education Secretary Michael Gove addresses delegates on the third day of the annual Conservative Party Conference at the ICC in Birmingham, central England on October 9, 2012. AFP PHOTO / LEON NEAL        (Photo credit should read LEON NEAL/AFP/GettyImages)

Article 10: the Right to never say ‘sorry’.

Please feel free to suggest your own additions to the British Bill of Rights - we will take them into account when preparing our letter to Mr Gove. Though we cannot promise that we will include them, particularly if they do not fit our narrative, we value your feedback as a citizen of this great country. Rule Brittania. God Save Middle England.


  • hmm Article 5

    “[T]he Right to give your children a much better education and start in life than anyone else’s children.”

    Are you referring to independent schools here? If so Labour haven’t – as far as I know – outlined plans to abolish independent schools, only remove their charitable status. And it’s certainly the case that many independent school parents are left-wing/Labour supporters/hate the Tories, although it might possibly be valid criticism to call them hypocrites.

    If you’re not referring to independent schools, then what’s your point? How would you go about preventing parents from giving their children “a much better…start in life” than others?

    Which of the following would you ban: independent schools; private tutors; moving to areas with superior schools; spending money on extra-curricular sports/music/drama; teaching children to read before school; growing up in a bilingual environment; spending money on trips to theatre etc.; buying books for children; reading said books with children before bed; encouraging children to work hard at school; two-parent families; spending time with, talking with and loving children.

    I think you’ll find that the later, simplest, cheapest advantages are the most important ones for a child’s success.

    • Cheska Alice Rycraft

      So glad I didn’t have to type any of that myself - thank you for saving me the effort :)

  • Anon.

    “Article 1, subsection 1: closeted homoeroticism”

    I really would’ve thought you’d know better than to make light of homophobic stereotypes like this. But hey, I suppose it’s not homophobic because het guys who’ve never experienced it know what homophobia is better than me.

    • Tim Squirrell

      I’m heterosexual? I’m glad you’ve told me, because otherwise I would never have figured it out. Ta.

  • Xenophonos

    First and last time here. You cunts are like retarded Viz readers and have all the political nous of Benny from Crossroads.

    • Edgar

      I fucking love Viz

  • Boutros

    Fuck me, you can’t even spell Britannia. What a load of juvenile, sophomoric bollocks this website is.

  • whs1954

    Ahahahahahahahahvery funny, now fuck off Student Grant.