The Tories are back in office. The Human Rights Act is going to be scrapped in the near future, to be replaced by - what?
A British Bill of Rights, of course. British Rights for British People. Written by Michael Gove. Michael ‘Supported hanging and definitely didn’t embezzle a car whilst at the Oxford Union, despite popular rumour’ Gove.
But what might a Conservative British Bill of Rights look like? We have as much investment as you, gentle reader, in securing the fundamental rights of ordinary, working people around the country. That’s why we have compiled a preliminary list of suggestions to send to Mr Gove, suggestions which we feel embody the fundamental rights and securities you can expect as a British Citizen of the British Isles, living British Values.
The Tory Bill of Rights:
Article 1: the Right to chronic emotional repression.
Article 1, subsection 1: closeted homoeroticism, emotionally distant parent/child relationships and the phrase ‘We’re here now, we’re going to have a Nice Time’ are covered by this right.
Article 2: the Right to click at waiters for attention.
Article 3: the Right to a black lab named Bess and a pair of Hunter wellies.
Article 3, subsection 1: other forms of canine may be covered, subject to a Britishness test. Bulldogs (British, not French), greyhounds and golden retrievers are covered. Chihuahuas and dachshunds are not. Commonwealth breeds such as the Cypriot poodle are also covered.
Article 3, subsection 2: this article also covers the right to instrumentalise one’s canines for the purposes of killing foxes. It does not cover the instrumentalisation of canines to fight each other. That would be cruel.
Article 4: the Right to use the words ‘Those People’ to refer to groups including, but not limited to: immigrants (Eastern European or otherwise), the Islamics, and proles.
Article 4, subsection 1: the right to never suffer scepticism for uttering the phrase ‘I’m not racist, but’ is protected under this article.
Article 5: the Right to give your children a much better education and start in life than anybody else’s children.
Article 5, subsection 1: this article covers the justification of your obscene accumulated wealth with the words ‘I’ve worked hard all my life’.
Article 6: the Right to a set of pearls and the ability to clutch them. If such items and capacities are unavailable, a window, net curtains and the ability to twitch them will suffice.
Article 7: the Right to complain both about house prices and the destruction of the green belt. This article also covers instances of arguing that the NHS is not fundamentally a mechanism for the redistribution of wealth, because the NHS is Good and redistribution is Bad.
Article 8: the Right to tell obstreperous women to ‘Calm down, dear’.
Article 9: the Right to win an election and the ability to govern the country for the next five years and then complain that people are being mean to you on social media.
Article 10: the Right to never say ‘sorry’.
Please feel free to suggest your own additions to the British Bill of Rights - we will take them into account when preparing our letter to Mr Gove. Though we cannot promise that we will include them, particularly if they do not fit our narrative, we value your feedback as a citizen of this great country. Rule Brittania. God Save Middle England.