Sex and voting are very similar. They’re both private, deeply personal acts, and both generally progress from a raging election to flaccid, morning-after regret.
But is there a deeper connection? Maybe the kind of people you’re willing to put in government reflect on the kind of person you are in the bedroom?
The Stepford Student is here to tell you exactly what your party of choice signifies for your boudoir habits.
1. Tory
With their immense wealth, flashy cars and plastic smiles the Tories convinced you that what you needed was pain, degradation and humiliation.
You signed the contract. Five years later all the whips and ballgags have just left you feeling used and lied to. They claim your average sexual satisfaction has improved, but you just feel spent.
“This is a disappointing blowjob”
2. Labour
Everyone thinks your lover can’t eat out to save his life. He’s uninspiring and his voice is vaguely irritating.
You don’t care about any of that, though, because you know what they don’t: he’s got a gigantic, throbbing, health policy, and he knows exactly what to do with it.
“Do that again and you can come in my other kitchen”
3. Lib Dems
You got married a few years ago in a fit of youthful lust. Since then your sex life has gradually declined and you are left wishing you’d never been fucked in the first place.
You haven’t had an orgasm since 2010.
“I’m so so sorry!”
4. Greens
Super sex-positive, affirming inclusivity of all body types and sexual preferences.
Ultimately, though, you’ll go silent halfway through when you realise you have no idea what it all costs.
Organic
5. UKIP
“Those women, comin’ over ‘ere, stealin’ our duvet”. Your lover takes what he can, and gives very little back.
Occasionally he lets out a ‘gaffe’ in bed, which you initially find funny but are ultimately repulsed by.
“Coming over here…”
6. Sinn Féin/DUP
They brought all this religious shit into the bedroom and you’re slightly freaked out by it.
“I want to stay in your kingdom”
7. Ballot Spoiler
Your lover enters the boudoir to find you gleefully sitting on the middle of the mattress in a puddle of your own urine.
Nobody has any fun, or really gains anything from the experience, but you think it’s bloody hilarious.
8. SNP
You ask people to paint their faces blue and shout “FREEDOOOOOM” while you masturbate.
“YES YES YES YES YES”
9. Respect Party
You enter the bedroom only to find that George Galloway has decided to declare it a ‘sex-free’ zone.
When you say he’s a weirdo and you’re going to tell all your friends, he threatens you with libel.
10. Monster Raving Loony Party
You probably have a dog fetish.