So after much overexcitement and talk about rabbits coming out of hats, George Osborne has delivered 2015’s Budget Statement, the last of this Parliament. With the election looming in just 50 days’ time, there’s a lot of chatter going round about what this budget means, who’s playing which games with what soundbites, and what it’s all supposed to add up to in the big fancy game of electoral politics.
The vast majority of us, however, couldn’t give a damn, and it’s all highly boring irrelevant nonsense. So instead, here’s your guide to the Budget, in pug form.
1. When you see the Government frontbench lined up lookin’ fly
Except having gender-equal government frontbench would be entirely preposterous, obviously.
2. When Osborne jumps straight in and starts talking about “a Britain that is paying its way”
But, you promised to eliminate the deficit by the end of this year? What happened to that, huh, George?
3. When the Deputy Speaker has to tell them all to shut up
Guys can we all just play nicely? We’re not in public school any more…
4. When Osborne says the North has grown faster than the South in the past year
Then why are you cutting all their council budgets, huh?
5. When you spot Theresa May having a cheeky chat with a Labour frontbencher across the dispatch box
Before we go for a drink I’m just gonna get MI5 to read some of your emails, okay? It’s no biggie.
6. When you hear the phrase “long-term economic plan” for the millionth time
Are you fed up of thi-Yep. Okay. Me too, bro.
7. When Osborne keeps whacking the dispatch box with his fist and it’s a bit much
Okay Gideon how’s about you chill the fuck out.
8. When the Tories try to cover up the fact that they’ve missed yet another of their targets
But… it’s almost… the deficit… with the… and the immigrants… tens of thousands… so close…
9. When Osborne smugly says that Yorkshire has created more jobs than France
That’s because employment in France is falling. My village shop has created more jobs than France. COME ON GIDEON SORT IT OUT.
10. When Osborne attempts to dazzle everyone with his shiny statistics
Yeah this is definitely my ‘omg wow’ face. So many treats. Wow. You go, George.
11. When you spot Mark Reckless nodding along with the Tory backbenchers
Honey. Honey no – you’re not a Tory anymore. You do you(kip), honey. You do you.
12. When Osborne announces an increase in taxes on banks
Wait, what? You’re the Tories! What does this mean? Oh yeah – it’s a tiny increase relative to the billions they’re making, and you haven’t even mentioned hedge funds or bonuses or anything. Okay. Normal service resumed.
13. When Osborne tries to take Labour down on their home turf
Ha! Look! I can talk about inequality and child poverty and youth unemployment and stuff and make it look like I care. I am unstoppable.
14. When anyone in the House of Commons tries to use big economics numbers words
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING
15. When Osborne announces really trivial things like taking 1p off beer and supporting local newspapers
Look at all my fancy policies. Look at them. Look at them.
16. When Osborne announces things that are actually relevant to students and young people
No National Insurance for under-21s? Student loans for Masters’ and PhDs? Are you talking to me?!
17. When Miliband gets up to speak and is actually half decent at it
Woah. That’s scary.
18. When Miliband starts flailing and goes back to some old stuff about the NHS
So. Close. Nearly. Prime Minister. Must. Keep going.
19. When Miliband talks about “a recovery for the few, by a government of the few”
Preach it, sista.
20. When you just get really fed up with all of this balls
Can we all just stop being so shouty and stupid and annoying and NO.
21. When it’s finally over