1) A last-minute Labour surge happens, but still not enough for an overall majority. Predictably, their complicity in the ‘largest party forms government’ myth to get the SNP taken out comes to bite them in the arse, and they prepare to eat humble pie – or a humble bacon sandwich, if you will.
Last gratuitous bacon sandwich photo of this election, we promise
2) David Cameron attempts to squat in Downing Street. Doesn’t get far, but makes things chaotic enough to ensure there is no government for some time to come. However, no-one really notices any difference. Things might even improve.
3) The Lib Dem wipeout is bad for them but not too bad – Clegg, Cable and most of the top guns cling on.
4) The Greens do very well in Norwich, Bristol, Oxford and Redcar but don’t win anywhere other than Brighton Pavilion.
5) Labour’s lack of an overall majority provokes the left exploding into bickering and blame. Holding yourself accountable for electoral defeat is just not the done thing. Comfort can be taken in the fact that the Tory v Ukip fight will be even worse.
6) Many people will have voted one way or another out of last-minute terror, and feel a bit queasy afterwards.
7) Everyone will complain about election-related statuses. Then more people will complain about people who complain about election related statuses. Etc.
8) Ukip, who have worked so hard to stay respectable these last weeks, will let it all boil over. Tomorrow morning there will be a global shortage of both Nazi memorabilia and real ale. Nigel doesn’t win his election. Blames immigrants.
9) The SNP get 50+ seats. Some of them move to Westminster and decide that while the chips are odd and wine bars are an alien concept, London is quite swish and this whole independence thing can maybe wait a few years.
10) Ukip press statement blames electoral defeat on Eastern European takeover. Provides the fact that ‘they’re even called Pole-ing stations now’ as evidence.
11) In news unrelated to the election, a bus overturns. Unlike the Liberal Democrats, it retains all its seats.
12) In a desperate attempt for the top job, Ed Miliband kidnaps Princess Charlotte from Buckingham Palace, holding her to ransom with the demand that Queen names him Prime Minister.
13) Amid the panic, Katie Hopkins flees Britain but is unable to enter any other country because of their strict immigration laws, drowns in the English Channel
14) Lord Ctulhu rises out of the spot where Hopkins drowned. Cthulhu eats a small Northern ex-mining town. Cthulhu is selected as the Liberal Democrat candidate for a forthcoming by-election.
15) Paralysed by indecision, the Queen is finally forced to select a leader by throwing a dart at the electoral register. It lands on me. Darkness falls. It has begun.