By Isobel Cockerell and Allan Hennessy
On Friday an editor of The Stepford Student, who shall henceforth remain unnamed, created a petition called ‘Poo in David Cameron’s mouth.’ This semi-viral petition, with over 46 signatories on Change.org, is a puerile and immature attempt to literally defecate on the hard work our Prime Minister has done to secure an impressive overall majority in last week’s general election. Here are ten reasons why it would be irresponsible and dangerous to shit in Cameron’s mouth.
Mr Ploppy
1. Folks – could we try to stay civilised? Feel free to rant about a Conservative government, but please, please do try to avoid actually shitting in anyone’s mouth.
Number 2 (lol). Consuming faeces carries the risk of contracting diseases and bacteria spread such as E. coli, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis E, pneumonia, polio, and influenza. Coprophagia also carries a risk of contracting intestinal parasites. Cameron may be a parasite in our midst, but does he really deserve a parasitic disease?
Come now, let’s be sensible
3. Should Mr Cameron come to his demise because of this injurious shit, the Crown will be quick to charge the culprit with murder or manslaughter at the very least.
4. As anyone who has seen 2 girls 1 cup knows, shitting in other peoples’ mouths is an objectifying act in our culture. Surely our Prime Minister doesn’t deserve to be devalued and oppressed like this.
Roll up, roll up, getcha David Cameron loo roll
5. Another reason not to poo in his mouth is that it would be a waste of good poo which could be put to much better use. Making fertiliser, for instance.
6. A shit in Cameron’s mouth is a shit in our mouths – Britain will be the laughing stock of the international community. We are loved and respected for our British politeness. This act might mean we lose the respect of what was once our Empire.
Being Prime Minister can be a real strain
7. The Tories won the majority of the votes voted for by your fellow countrymen and women so suck it up, be poositive and help to make things change yourself. Cameron is not some kind of absurd evil Disney villain, but a father, husband, and most importantly a human being with feelings just like you and me.
Alternatively, we could hire this sweet little puppy to do the deed
8. Just because DC will metaphorically shit into the mouths of the poor, the vulnerable, the disabled and the elderly for the next five years, doesn’t mean we should literally shit in his mouth.
9. The act of defecating in anyone’s mouth would violate Articles 2 and 3 of the European Convention of Human R–
Oh wait.
10. Yeah, fuck it. Let’s do it. ORGANISE.